


Blackmail

by imkerfuffled



Series: 62 Things The Avengers Are Not Allowed To Do [4]
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: 2nd chapter is almost certainly crack, Episode: s01e06 FZZT, Gen, Skippy's List, featuring fitz's forensics bots because I love them
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-08
Updated: 2015-04-14
Packaged: 2018-03-21 19:56:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3703557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/imkerfuffled/pseuds/imkerfuffled
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.<br/>(Or: Bruce is not allowed to accidentally discover that nobody ever dies when you work with superheroes)</p><p>7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn't.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 6. Bruce is not allowed to hack into personnel files to look up blackmail material on Director Fury.

**Author's Note:**

> Ok, so he doesn't actually hack into personnel files, because I started writing this when I didn't have any internet connection for a weekend, and I forgot about that part of the prompt. But lets just pretend it's for the reasons mentioned in the story.

Bruce could count on one hand the number of people he trusted, and Nick Fury was not one of them. The feeling was mutual; Bruce knew Fury wouldn’t hesitate to take him down if he became a threat to SHIELD, and Fury knew Bruce would turn his back on the organization in a heartbeat if a better option presented itself. The tentative alliance they now held wouldn’t last forever, and Bruce had to be ready when it fell apart this time. He had been on the run for far too long to give up his freedom now.

He needed something foolproof. Something that would ensure his continued usefulness to SHIELD. Something that would force Fury to keep Bruce under his protection long after that usefulness inevitably ran out.

Something that sounded suspiciously like blackmail.

It took him a week to come to a conclusion, and when he did he had surprisingly few moral qualms about it. His conscience had been worn thin by years of living at large. He supposed that should bother him, but it didn’t. SHIELD, after all, employed assassins; what was a little personal espionage in comparison?

For too long had his fate been held, uncertain, in the hands of giants far larger than the Hulk. He’d had a taste of his independence back with Tony and the Avengers, and this time he refused to let it go.

Now, how to hack into SHIELD to  _find_ the blackmail.

He stood in the lab Tony had given him, surrounded on all sides by holographic displays. Some held blocks of code, others information and schematics from Tony’s original hack. He kept one eye trained on the door, ready at any moment to flick the holograms away with a twist of his wrist.

If Bruce was going to do this, he was going to do it right. None of Tony’s Phase Two information would be of any use; Fury would take him out in an instant if he tried to blackmail  _SHIELD._ No, he had to blackmail  _Fury,_ with something he wouldn’t want people even within the organization to know.

“Oh god,” Bruce groaned, burying his face in his hands, “You’re  _insane,_ Banner.” How desperate did he have to be to look for blackmail information on the director of SHIELD?

Very desperate indeed.

“How do you even  _find_ that sort of thing?” he muttered, taking another long look at the screens surrounding him. In truth, he’d only opened files at random, hoping one of them would give him inspiration. Hacking, he could do, but hacking with the intent to find files of an unknown nature in an unknown location meant to be secret from all but the highest of agents?  _That,_ he’d never done before.

Besides, the chances that he could find what he was looking for in a hack-able database were slim to none. Fury’s trust in technology went about as far as his trust in people, so anything potentially jeopardizing would be eyes only.

So he needed eyes, not access.

Bruce opened the SHIELD surveillance folder, which held a backlog of video surveillance from every camera in every SHIELD facility in America. Where Tony got the storage space to keep it all, Bruce had no clue, but it had been saved with the rest of the files Tony stole on the Helicarrier. Tony claimed he might need the videos one day if he ever had to perform a coup d’état on SHIELD. Bruce suspected he used them to find top-level agents picking their noses or playing galaga on shift.

There weren’t any cameras in Fury’s office—where Bruce’s blackmail was most likely to be kept, if it existed—but if Bruce could find a small drone of some sort, something he could control by remote…

A quick search gave him just what he needed: a set of tiny, fist-sized robots that each scanned for different things. Developed by a recent Academy graduate, they were Bruce’s best bets for becoming a fly on Fury’s wall. All he had to do was beef up Tony’s proxy servers, hack into the drones’ system, commandeer the audio-visual bot, take over its transmissions, and hope to god it was near enough to the Triskelion that he could fly it there before anyone noticed.

“What the hell do I think I’m doing?” he whispered to himself.

“That’s a good question,” said a voice from behind him.

Bruce spun around to see Tony standing in the doorway. He froze.

“What are you doing?” Tony asked, his voice deliberately neutral.

“You said I could use any of your files,” Bruce said. Out of habit, he felt the spike in his heartbeat and adjusted his breathing to lower it.

“True,” Tony said, “But why do you want to use them to look at SHIELD’s toys?” He didn’t sound suspicious. Just… curious.

“I wanted to see how their tech stands up to yours,” Bruce lied easily, feeling surprisingly guiltier about it than he would expect.

Tony raised an eyebrow. “Well, I made most of their tech, so…”

A light bulb went off in Bruce’s head, and he spoke before he could allow himself to regret it. “Does that mean you can still access them?”

“Nope,” Tony shook his head, eyeing the screens of code over Bruce’s shoulder, which Bruce realized with a jolt he forgot to get rid of.

They still stood where they were when Tony entered—with Bruce standing in the center of the room, surrounded by glowing holograms, and Tony framed in the doorway. For a few seconds, neither said a word.

“So, you’re hacking into SHIELD?” Tony said.

“No! I—” Bruce sighed and looked down at his shoes, resigning himself to whatever happened. Tony had been SHIELD’s consultant for far longer than he had been Bruce’s friend, and though he’d seemed surprisingly willing to turn against the organization on the Helicarrier, Bruce doubted he would be quite as keen now, when they didn’t suspect SHIELD of creating secret WMDs. “Yeah, I am.”

“Great, I want to help. What do you need?”

Bruce’s head shot up. “What?”

“Yep,” Tony grinned, “What do you need?”

“Uh… well, blackmail on Fury,” Bruce said slowly, still half expecting Tony to turn him down once he heard the request. Or at least be highly suspicious of Bruce’s motives.

Instead, he said without so much as a beat, “Already got that. His middle name’s Rainbow Sprinkles.”

Bruce quirked a skeptical eyebrow, even as his face broke into a wide grin.

“Nope? Fine. Let’s see what we’ve got.”

 

* * *

“I’m telling you, Ward, there is nothing wrong with it!” Fitz shouted, slamming the night-night pistol on the lab table with more force than necessary.

“Obviously, there  _is,”_ said Ward, “Because  _it’s still an ounce too heavy!”_

They both squared off on opposite sides of the table, illuminated from below by its white glow. Ward remained calm and steady despite his frustration, while Fitz’s chest heaved dramatically. It gave Ward the impression of a tiny, easily enraged Chihuahua.

“I have run. Every. Test. Imaginable,” Fitz continued, stabbing at the table with his finger to punctuate his point, “And I physically cannot remove any more weight from the pistol without compromising the accuracy of the—holycrapwhatswrongwiththem?”

Fitz’s eyes suddenly flew wide open, and his hand shot up to point at a spot over Ward’s shoulder. Ward snatched up the pistol and spun around, half expecting to see his teammates writhing on the ground in agony, but instead he found his gun aimed at an open, black case on a cluttered lab bench.

The DWARF drones.

Somehow, the case’s lid had become unlatched, and all off the spidery little robots flew slowly out, hovering above the case in a vaguely threatening manner. The faint buzzing coming from their motors added to the unease.

“Why are they doing that?” Ward asked, still pointing his gun at the swarm of robots.

“I… don’t know,” Fitz admitted. Even he looked somewhat apprehensive. He raised his voice and shouted, “Jemma, are you messing with the DWARFs?”

They stood, watching the drones as they slowly flew around the room. Ward tightened his grip on the night-night gun.

“Fitz, if your stupid bots go HAL on us,” he hissed, “I will kill you.”

Fitz gulped. He noticed the tablets used to control the drones still sat at the bottom of the case.

Just them, Simmons walked into sight outside the glass windows, her forehead creased in confusion. “What are you—” she stopped short when she saw the drones.

Fitz’s eyes widened, and Ward glared.

“Maybe it’s Skye?” Simmons suggested slowly, but that possibility flew out the window when, seconds later, Skye sprinted around the corner clutching her laptop.

“Someone’s hacking into the DWARFs!” she yelled, skidding to a stop outside the door.

Then, many things happened at once. Ward fired off his pistol at the nearest drone, which ducked out of the way and flew toward the door. The rest of the drones scattered, zooming around the room at top speeds. The doors opened automatically at Skye’s proximity, and Skye and Simmons rushed into the room to help. One drone dive-bombed Fitz, another flitted around Ward’s head, distracting him, and a third was captured by Simmons before shooting out of her hands and hitting Skye in the face.

And another slipped unseen out the door, took off down the hallway, and zipped down the airplane’s open exit ramp. For a few seconds, it hovered in the middle of the airplane hangar, swiveling on the spot as if gathering its bearings. It took in the drab, concrete walls and flickering fluorescent lights before turning past Agents May and Coulson striding toward the Bus, and behind them the bright sunlight coming through the hangar’s open doors.

 

* * *

“Wait!” Tony said, “Go back.”

Bruce tapped on his keyboard, fingers shaking slightly, and the drone they’d stolen rotated obediently an inch to the left.

He hardly dared believe it. But there was no mistaking the spotless suit and receding hairline of the man standing next to SHIELD’s legendary Cavalry.

Bruce and Tony turned to look at each other with identical, ashen expressions on their faces.

"Call the Avengers," they both said.

 


	2. 7. Tony is not allowed to insist that he’s already done so and that Fury’s middle name is Rainbow Sprinkles…. Because it isn’t.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to say it in the last chapter, but this takes place shortly after AoS episode 6 F.Z.Z.T
> 
> Also, I haven’t been able to see season 2 yet, so I only have the comics to go on with my Bobbi characterization. (And no of course she doesn’t believe a word of this :)

Following the revelation about Coulson, Natasha seriously considered stabbing Fury where it hurt, but decided to give Coulson a giant bear hug instead, causing Tony to accuse her of having emotions. Clint unsuccessfully held back tears and joined Natasha’s hug, Thor declared a feast in honor of Coulson’s survival/faked death/resurrection/vacation in Tahiti/SHIELD still wouldn’t explain what happened, and Steve signed every single Captain America merchandise in Coulson’s possession.

Natasha got into a brief shouting match with Agent May in Italian about keeping Coulson’s survival a secret from her, and then they started exchanging old mission stories like hadn’t just been at each other’s throats. Coulson vehemently rebutted Clint’s apologies for causing the Helicarrier battle, just like everyone told Clint he would. Ward scowled at Bruce and Tony for “scaring the shit out of Fitz,” though Fitz later claimed Ward had been more frightened than him. Skye and Bruce started chatting, in mutual admiration for each other’s computer skills, and Skye even gave Bruce a few tips “for next time.” Coulson nearly swooned when Steve showed up with a pen and a determined expression. Fitz and Simmons, after having a similar reaction upon meeting Tony, quickly got to talking shop with him. Thor got rip-roaringly drunk at his feast and challenged Ward to a mighty battle.

And Fury was… well, _furious._

There was, however, very little he could do to them, after Tony threatened to leak rather explicit videos of top SHIELD agents on the internet, saying to Bruce, “See, I told you I’d find a use for those surveillance cameras.” (When he told Pepper about this, he made the mistake of saying, “Well, maybe they shouldn’t have been screwing where they knew there were video cameras,” for which Pepper gave him a withering glare, muttered “Well maybe you should’ve taken your own advice,” and shut Tony up.)

He and Fury negotiated a deal; in exchange for Tony’s continued technological consulting (and deleting all of his SHIELD surveillance), Fury promised in writing to always look after Bruce’s best interests. He still wouldn’t tell them how Coulson survived, though, and all Coulson would say was how wonderful Tahiti was.

Tony wanted revenge.

And Pepper refused to let him leak his second copy of the SHIELD sex tapes.

 

* * *

 

“I find this very hard to believe,” Skye quirked an eyebrow at Clint, who sat across from her in the Bus’ main room.

“You don’t have to _believe_ it,” Clint said, “You just have to _spread_ it.” He tapped the slip of paper sitting on the table between them.

Skye squinted suspiciously at the paper. “How did you manage to get a fake birth certificate, anyway?”

“Bruce knows a guy,” Clint waved it off, “Besides, Tony’s futzing rich.”

“Wait, _Bruce Banner_ is in on this?” Skye’s eyes widened, “I thought he was supposed to be the mature one.”

“He’s got twenty bucks riding on this not working.”

“Ha! You think?” Skye laughed, “No one’s going to be fooled by this. And definitely not when it’s coming from me.” She held up her wrist, with the tracking bracelet glinting in the florescent lights. “Believe it or not, but SHIELD people don’t exactly trust me right now.”

Clint’s face scrunched up in sympathy. “Those things were so annoying,” he said, nodding his head at her bracelet, “But that’s why we need as many people as possible, ‘cause nobody _will_ believe it unless enough people are on board to _make_ it believable.”

Skye still stared at him with a skeptical half-smile on her face. “Why don’t you talk to May about that,” she said, mainly because the idea of Clint trying to convince Melinda “the Cavalry” May to play along with this was hilarious, “People actually believe what she says.”

“Tasha’s already on it,” said Clint, “Come on, what do you say?”

Her expression didn’t change a bit.

“I’ll get you autographs of all the Avengers.”

“Deal.” A pause. “One question,” Skye picked up the forged birth certificate and pointed at the name, “Why ‘Rainbow Sprinkles?’”

 

* * *

 

It took three days for the rumors to reach Maria: that Stark had been so pissed off by Fury’s lies that he dug up his most embarrassing secrets in revenge.

Maria thought that was utter bullshit.

So far, the only whispers she’d heard came from agents with level six clearance or lower, so none of them knew _why_ Stark might be mad with Fury, but it would take an idiot to not notice the mutinous mood of the Avengers recently. Maria took them with a heavy grain of salt, as she did most crazy rumors circulating among the lower level agents. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, they originated as a partial-truth told by those with higher clearance and became a mangled game of telephone, with speculations and even jokes taken as fact.

And then Agent Sitwell passed her in the hallway and said, “Did you hear? Fury’s middle name is really Rainbow Sprinkles.”

She had to physically stop walking for at least five seconds to wrap her mind around the fact that _that just happened._ Surely, this was a joke. _Surely,_ Sitwell was smart enough to know a crack theory when he saw one.

“His middle name starts with J,” she said, still standing in the center of the hallway staring straight ahead of her. Sitwell had reached the very end of the hall without noticing before she spoke.

“Yeah, but he changed it to that when he was eighteen,” he said, turning around and walking back towards her.

“That doesn’t make—what?” Maria stammered. There was no possible way Sitwell actually believed that.

“I know. Who the hell names their kid ‘Rainbow Sprinkles?’” he laughed, “But hey, he _was_ born in the sixties.” Sitwell shook his head in amused disbelief and continued walking in his original direction.

Maria could only stare.

“Who did you hear this from?” she asked.

He turned his head. “Um… Morse.”

 

She tracked Agent Bobbi Morse down by lunchtime. With the cafeteria full to capacity of loud, bustling agents, it took Maria longer than she’d like to spot her in the crowd, but eventually Bobbi’s familiar blond head bobbed into view among a group of people leaving the burger line. Maria slid into step next to her.

“Hi, Morse. Are their barbeque sandwiches any good?” she asked casually, glancing at the food on Bobbi’s tray, “I was thinking about trying them.”

As they walked towards a table in the back, Bobbi gave her the kind of once-over that only a spy can give, seemingly unperturbed by Maria’s sudden appearance. Her eyes narrowed.

“Alright, Hill. Spill,” she said, seeing through Maria’s admittedly half-hearted attempt at subtlety.

They reached the table that Bobbi indicated with a tilt of her head and sat down across from each other.

“Sitwell says you know some interesting rumors,” Maria began, reaching across the table to steal a French fry, “About the director.”

“Oh!” Bobbi laughed. She smacked Maria’s hand away. “Is that what this is about? I thought I was in trouble.”

Maria shook her head with a small smile. “No, I just wanted to know how you convinced Sitwell his name was _Rainbow Sprinkles_ of all things.”

“You don’t believe it,” Bobbi said. It wasn’t a question, but it wasn’t quite a statement either. It was… a challenge.

“Of course I don’t,” said Maria.

“I didn’t either, at first,” Bobbi admitted, taking a bite of her sandwich, “Especially not coming from Clint.”

 _“Barton_ told you?” squawked Maria, “And you believed him?”

“Not at first,” Bobbi repeated, “But then I heard the same thing from May.”

Maria gave her a doubtful stare over a handful of fries she’d successfully stolen.

“Do you really think May could believe something like that without proof?” Bobbi scowled at the stolen fries.

“No, but I think she could lie well enough to convince you,” Maria said, “Did she hear it from Clint too?”

“Natasha,” Bobbi said, shaking her head.

Maria popped a fry in her mouth with an expression of extreme skepticism. “Did you ever consider that she and Clint are both in on the joke? You do know they’re…” She struggled for a word to accurately describe Black Widow and Hawkeye’s relationship, found none, and waved around a French fry to convey her meaning instead.

“Of course I know that. Everyone knows that,” said Bobbi, “So does May. Yet she still chose to believe they were telling the truth.”

“I’m not sure if you know this,” Maria said, “But May had, uh, a reputation, before she became the Cavalry, as a prankster.”

“But that was before. She’s changed now,” Bobbi said. She leaned forward over the table, shifting her weight onto her elbow and lowering her voice. “They have Fury’s birth certificate. I saw it.”

Maria just laughed. “I _highly_ doubt that, Morse. How on earth could they have gotten their hands on that?”

“You’ve said it yourself,” Bobbi said with a straight face, “If Stark wanted, he could take over SHIELD in a single afternoon, and if Banner helped, he could do it without us being any the wiser. Do you honestly think finding a simple birth certificate would be a problem for them?”

“Bobbi,” Maria said, biting her lip to keep herself from laughing again. She placed a hand on the other agent’s arm and stared deep into her eyes. “It’s _Rainbow Sprinkles.”_

They both collapsed in a fit of giggles.

 

* * *

 

Nicholas J. Fury was many things, but Nicholas “Rainbow Sprinkles” Fury, he was not.

Nor was he an idiot.

And he didn’t like being called Rainbow Sprinkles.

 

Tony Stark was many things, but an idiot, he was… Well, that was debatable.

Nevertheless, he wasn’t plain stupid.

So when JARVIS informed him that a highly enraged director of SHIELD was standing in the lobby demanding blood, Tony didn’t go downstairs. He put the entire building on lockdown, hopped in a suit, and hightailed it toward the Canadian border.


End file.
